Stereotypes are fun and true.

I am a woman who drives an SUV. I can honestly say, without a trace of facetiousness, that there is nothing on the road that terrifies me more than the sight of a woman driving an SUV. You think I'm kidding? Any time I roll up at a red light and see a soccer mom behind the wheel of her Highlander, I have to fight the temptation to abandon my own vehicle and run like the dickens.

If I ever find myself with too much time on my hands, I might consider conducting some ground-breaking genetic research to determine what it is about having two X chromosomes that makes women such pathetic drivers. In fact, I've already begun collecting some preliminary data on the subject. It's very, very, VERY scientific. I keep a mental checklist that I mentally update every time someone cuts me off, tailgates while talking on the phone, makes an illegal U-turn, or otherwise performs idiotic tomfoolery while navigating our fair roads. I mentally take note of the offender's gender, and, my friends, it's always female.

That's not to say that men don't commit the aforementioned foibles. They're just better at recovering. If a dude cuts me off, he makes sure to ignore the finger I'm waving at him and continue along his merry way, at a fast enough speed to lose me and the nasty words I'm yelling out the window. However, women are often visibly flustered by these displays of their ineptitude. Cut-offers slam the brakes upon realizing what they've done, as if stopping in the middle of the highway will somehow reverse the fact that the front of my car was just nearly blown off. I wonder if this inability to recover has something to do with the mysterious temperament characteristic of womankind, the tendency to hold grudges, perhaps? The penchant for interpreting criticism and pitfalls as personal attacks? The fact that most women are psychotic basket cases?

Okay, having established that women are dangerous behind the wheel of any vehicle, I'd like to point out the startling and ever-increasing pattern of seeing women equipped with the gargantuan killing machines we know as SUVs. There are plenty of devastating consequences of this deadly partnership. SUVs are notoriously fuel-inefficient, and their usage should be minimized. However, women are lazy and averse to the elements, so I'm sure someone can dig up some statistics from somewhere that prove that women choose to drive more often than men do for shorter distances. I sure as hell would drive myself to the bathroom if my SUV fit under my bed (now there's an idea). Also, increasing the size of a woman's vehicle only increases the scope of the destruction she will inevitably wreak. You think that your car got fucked up when you were rear-ended by a woman in a Camry? See what it looks like when a woman in a Sequoia gets through with you.

Bottom line is, I get chilled to the bone when I find myself sharing the road with these disasters on wheels. If I had my way, women would only be permitted to drive small, plastic vehicles, like that funky red Fisher-Price car with the yellow roof. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hop into my Rav4 and run some red lights.